Helen Murray | 2019

It was never my intention to prevent you from knowing about my family (your family)
but there’s less draw because my parents are gone.
It’s painful.
If I knew how I would feel right now I might have made different choices.

There’s a massive link missing.

Mom’s laugh,
I knew when she was coming.
Why does she have to be so loud?
“You either love me or you hate me!”

I’ve grown up
to be my mom a little bit.
I understand why she was so loud.

I don’t remember cuddling with her
or having heart to heart conversations with her.

I know she loved me
she showed me by making me things.

I wanted to have a close relationship with you.

Dad was complicated,
Some of the more vivid memories I have
are of him yelling at me
even being violent.

I know I have a bit of a temper
I wish I didn’t have that from him.

He was logical and systematic
it followed into his personal life.

He didn’t want me to go away
“You’re not gonna move away, are you?”

Sometimes he didn’t really know what to do
but he tried.

I did not want to talk to them about mistakes.
They were not gonna help me feel better.

I’ve moved so far away from who I was when they died
I think about how they would have felt.

I worry they wouldn’t be proud.

Having them not be here has freed me
to make choices that would have been harder
if they were alive.

I pretend I am looking in the Mirror of Erised
they are standing behind me smiling
If they were brought back now they would absolutely be proud.