Helen Murray | 2017

0: An old woman approaches the stroller with your tiny newborn body swaddled in a soft blue blanket inside. “What a cute little boy you have!” “She’s a girl.” “Oh.” The old woman pauses, unsure of what to say next.

1: Your mother bounces you in one arm as she stirs a pot of stew with the other. Your father comes home from work and kisses you on the cheek before sitting down in front of the television. His stubble is rough. You cling to your mother. After dinner is served, eaten, and the dishes are put away your mother takes you upstairs into the bedroom. Your father remains downstairs.

2: You sit in your mother’s lap. Your father sits next to both of you. “We just don’t have any space at the moment. The woman turns to your mother. “Can’t you continue to look after her?” Your mother shakes her head no. Your father stands up, saying loudly, “We’ll just have to keep looking. The right daycare is out there somewhere.” The woman glares. Your father storms out, your mother trailing behind him.

3: For your birthday you receive nothing but pink princess dresses, baby dolls, and a pink plastic tea set. You throw a temper tantrum and rip one of your princess dresses. Your mother asks you, “What’s wrong, darling?” You are overwhelmed. You are disappointed. You wanted a train set. The little boy next door had one.

4: Your mother spends twenty minutes that morning delicately plaiting your hair for preschool. She ties little purple ribbons at the end. You wear a purple sweater under white overalls. You play on the jungle gym happily. A boy grabs your braid and pushes you into the mud. You wrestle for a moment until the teacher separates the two of you. “Aww. He likes you. Play nice!” She says, laughing. You cry.

5: It is your first day of kindergarten. You are so excited to meet everyone. When introducing yourself you proudly proclaim, “My mommy has TWO jobs!” Your teacher pulls you aside. “Is everything okay at home, sweetheart?” She pulls her lips back to reveal her teeth. You think she may be smiling, but you’re not sure.

6: You wear your favorite yellow corduroys and a striped sweater. Your mother wants you to be warm on this brusque fall day. The other little girls you see that day are wearing frilly little dresses with tights and shiny mary janes. They skip down the sidewalk with their baby dolls. You look up at your mother and then look down at your corduroys. You love those corduroys. You love that sweater. 

7: You look at yourself in the mirror, standing on cold white tiles on tiptoe, pushing against the sink. You yell to your mother in the living room, “Why don’t I have blue eyes like Lily?” Your mother comes in and hoists you up so you are perched on the edge of the sink. She looks into the mirror with you. “Why do you want to have blue eyes, darling?” “Because Lily is soooo pretty!” Your mother frowns. “But so are you, sweetheart! You are the most beautiful.”

8: You come home from school and find that you can’t figure out your math homework. It is dark when your mom comes home and you ask her for help. The two of you sit side by side at the kitchen table attempting to decipher it. Your mother finally admits defeat, “I don’t know, honey. Just ask your teacher about it tomorrow.” The next day you are the only one who has not completed the homework.

9: You hear your parents arguing as you try to fall asleep. They always argue. But they love each other. They must love each other. You hear your name. You cry and cover your head with your pillow. A million thoughts run through your head but the loudest are, Do they love you? and Are you splitting them apart? You can’t think of anything else that could have changed to make them yell.

10: You decide you want to try out for the track team. Running seems fun, and being a part of a team seems fun, too. You don’t make it. You look around. Only one of the girls who tried out made the team. They said the mile you ran was one minute too long. You tell your father. He shakes his head and says, “Oh, honey, I’m sorry you didn’t make the team. Maybe you should try something else. Wouldn’t you like to take art classes or join a club?” You hadn’t thought of that. Maybe you would like to learn how to sculpt.

11: Everyone in your grade has to choose an instrument to play. Almost all the girls choose the flute or the violin. Almost all the boys choose the trumpet or the trombone. You choose the cello. You walk with your best friend to school, struggling to keep up. She carries a small case containing her flute while you struggle to carry your cello on your back, your school bag on your front.

12: You are walking home from school alone one day. You take the route you always take. You are just listening to music, enjoying the warm afternoon. You see a man yelling something, and he’s looking at you. You hear a faint voice and take out your earbud. “Come on, smile, sweetheart.” He says, licking his chapped lips. You walk quicker. When you get home you flop down and lay on your bed for 10 minutes, thinking about what happened. You look at what you are wearing that day in the mirror. Skinny jeans and a maroon turtleneck sweater. You do not tell your mother.

13: It is your 8th grade graduation. You look around and see all your classmates in minidresses and high heels. You finger the lace on your knee-length white dress. Your mom told you it was elegant. She told you that you looked so beautiful. Your father cried, “My baby girl is growing up!” All the parents confess to your mother that you look the most age appropriate. 

14: You start getting to know this guy named Chris. He seems really cool. You have three classes together, so one day he invites you to his house to do homework. You clear it with your mother, and the two of you walk together. You mistake his neighbor’s home for his, because you have never seen a house so small and so run down. He opens the door. The smell is overpowering. It’s not a great smell. He leads you through what you believe to be a living room into his room. He has no desk so you sit on his bed. As you are taking out your schoolwork, you feel his hand crawl up under your shirt. You turn around to ask him what he’s doing, but he roughly kisses you. You stand up, grab your schoolbag, and run home. You do not tell your mother.

15: You fall in love for the first time. Your parents divorce. You think a lot about love. You think about what it means to love someone. Your boyfriend kisses you and whispers into your neck, “I love you.” You cry. You push him away. “What’s wrong?” He asks. You love him. Don’t be silly, you love him! Everything is wrong. How do you explain that? He breaks up with you after a month. You do not tell your mother.

16: It is Thanksgiving. Your aunts and uncles and grandparents all ask you the same thing. “Do you have a boyfriend?” You shrug, hoping, each time, that your shrug will shake the questions off your back. You only pick at your dinner. Your cousin goes back for a third helping, “Your mom makes the best turkey!” He says, in between mouthfuls. You can smell the turkey, mashed potatoes, brussels sprouts, and stuffing, all topped with gravy and cranberry sauce. The aroma tickles your tastebuds and your mouth waters. You continue to nibble your own plate, though it is not heaped nearly as high.

17: You get an A on your precalculus test. Your friend says, “Wow! I didn’t know you were good at math.” You shrug. You get A’s all the time, but you tell her it was a stroke of luck and you owe your success to your math tutor. You don’t have a math tutor.

18: You get into your first choice school. It wasn’t all that hard to get into. Your advisor kept telling you that you should apply for more reach schools. You don’t even really know if you want to go to college. Everyone around you keeps telling you that you must want to. Your mother went. So did your father. You go anyway, even though you are having some doubts. You declare a major, but you’re not even sure that’s what you want to study. But everyone’s doing this. Well, almost everyone. Everyone you know, anyway.